All these I having been keeping to myself, indeed I still unable to hide. Its time to open and be honest. Three important men in my life.
Just a thing for me to confess myself. It was out of the blues that I actually done something that I wouldn't in a normal perspective. On the night, he is going to leave for UK and his plans to continue to work there have made me more sad. Honestly, I knew this would happened. On that Friday, my friends asked me whether I wanna go Genting to chill out after long postings. I said am not sure cos dad won't allow. And indeed dad didn't allow. For the reason being, he thinks am going out with him or perhaps meeting him in airport or something. And just making excuses to go Genting. It was true that I longed all these years to see him. It wasn't true that am going to meet him. I was sincerely just wanna rest myself from the stress, city and the fact that I am really sad that he is leaving. After long conversation with my dad and after my friends spoke to him on my behalf, he spoke all my weaknesses to them. As a normal young adult, this could be a crisis. However, I stood firm to probe myself that I don't do nonsense. I decided to leave for Genting.
Dad still calling me to convince me not to go. After awhile, he gave up convincing me. Instead he told my friends to watch over me. I felt like a prisoner but I couldn't be bothered. At one stage, I decided to turn back not going cos I dun want to screw things up just because of my stubbornness. I told dad am coming back. Out of his anger, he said why am I retreating. Is it because am afraid, and my friends are watching over me? I guess that sentence had challenged to the extent that I can't give in anymore. Then I decided to go.
When I came back, none in the family talked to me. I became silent and all. I didn't spoken this out because I think it involved between me and my family. However, dad realised he was wrong treating me that way all because of the hurt that I have caused him thru my darkest past. Koh also scolded me of my actions that I shouldn't provoke dad's anger. But I being firm, I cannot allow my life to be controlled cos I can rely on God for His help. Koh understand how I feel cos he felt the same too. But he wouldn't want to do anything about it cos he knows it won't work. I didn't give up. Someday I have to make my own life decision and be independent. Simple decision will lead to the next phase of my life. Man shall not fear man. Man shall only fear God almighty.
I indeed know I have done a lot of wrong and definitely it is difficult for him to trust me. Nevertheless, I still treasure my father and daughter relationship.
Few weeks later, I was taken aback of him to said that Kay Teck decided to put our relationship behind all things. I totally understand. But it made less me focus than I was with him before. I started to cry more than I could. I knew this would happen and it just matter of time. It made me more and more sad. I pretended all is good and all is fine in front my friends and family. I tried smiling even I knew it was bitter. God knows what best for the both of us.
Koh realised the change in me. He took the guts to asked how am I with Kay Teck. I knew I had no one to confide to and he is my brother. I told him all. Koh was sad for me but he told me to be stronger. And this might be testing for me to go through to be a stronger person. Not to think so much but to keep praying. It's not that he don't love you but the time is just not right. My heart sank. Just sank. I don't know what to do but just to have faith in the Lord in all I do and think. This conversation with Koh was really edifying. I felt that finally God answered my prayer again.
Today, I had another conversation with dad and mom. They are really worried of me. But the same time dad said he was really proud of me that Kay Teck and I was able to wait for each other. Well, he didn't know what happened months ago. He asked me how is he? Didn't you keep in touch with him? I was taken aback. Didn't you asked me to stop contacting him? I stoned over his question. I said we didn't talk d. We stopped. All I know that he just finished his exam and got a job in UK.
I asked why are you concerned about this? He said I maybe being harsh and said inappropriately to you but my heart is good to you. I worry that my daughter is growing up day by day and hope one day she could find the best bridegroom in her life. But dad, it's over. The relationship has stopped dad.
He asked why. I just said both of us are still studying and both side parents are not keen about us. Dad said I didnt say am not keen, it just you are not ready Rachel. Dad said he like him maybe 60% cos dad haven't met him before. But dad was impressed of his change. Yes, am impressed too. Dad asked me to keep praying and wait patiently. He will support me all the way.
It's midnight... It's Kay Teck's birthday. I am not sure whether should I call him and wish him the best birthday. I will let God decide and it not under my control. I will rest my faith and hope in Him.
Anyways, dear. God poured his love unto me and i just wanna wish you silently tonight. Am sorry cos am not strong enough.
Blessed birthday, Kay Teck. . . :)
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